Stop it. For Realz.

Dear Annoying Friend/Relative/Drunk Acquaintance,

Do you have any fucking idea what time it is? I don't care if you have something uber important to tell me, if everyone's still breathing it can wait until the fucking morning. What kind of jerk off calls a person at 2am to discuss where to go at lunch tomorrow?!

At this point, you can go to hell as far as I'm concerned.

Your baby won't stop crying....UM hello, I didn't impregnate you so why do I have to suffer?

Now can I please get some Peace N Fucking Quiet?!?!
Kthxbai
AnonyB.tch

Nazis Love Babies

Dear Pro Life Jerk Hole,

I know you don't give a shit about me, and that's cool because I don't give a shit about you. But for the love of Jesus Christ (you remember him) stay the fuck away from my body. If you want to procreate until you fucking die do it (and be quick about it), but not everyone on earth has to feel your pain or give birth to be a good person.

I give to charity. I help at women and children's shelters. I put my dime in the box at the grocery store to support victims of abuse and I give school supplies to foster kids. I am a damn good human being.

You on the other hand are dickwads.
AnonyB.tch

You Know You Want It

Dear Chicken Enchilada,

I want to smother myself in your tasty Mexican goodness, but I will settle for eating you slowly and savoring every bite.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMM
AnonyB.tch

Douche Bag, You Have a Call on Line 2

Dear Dr. Feeley,

I don't know how they did it in the 1700s, but nowdays it's un-FUCKING-cool to slobber over, make lewd insinuations about, or otherwise man handle your staff. Cause for one-you're ancient and smell like a dead skunk. Not to mention it's against the law.

So next time you get a hankering gramps, grab a hanky and do it in the can.

Totally Disgusted,
AnonyB.tch

Altogether Now

Dear Minivan Mom,

Look I know it's vital that you deliver your spawns hither and yon, but do you have to drive with your head up your ass? Really. I'm asking. Did you take a fucking stupid pill or what, lady? Since when is it okay to drive 70, swerve into another lane with no blinker, and then slam on your breaks? Do you secretly hate your kids or something...because I'm betting they secretly hate you.

Or at least they will when they get their chiropractor bill in about 20 years.

Remove Head From Sphincter, Then Drive,
AnonyB.tch

I Am In LOVE

Dear Black Knee High Boots,

You are the shit. I am already a sexy piece of ass, but when I put you on I am rocking this whole town. You go with jeans, you go with skirts, you go with dresses, all the while making my legs look delish and my ass look like a million bucks. Is there nothing you can't do?

Your Lover,
AnonyB.tch

Cry About It, Hipster

Dear Dude in the Skinny Jeans,

You sir are not attractive. Dude looks like a lady. And not a very attractive one at that. I know you think your scarf makes a statement, and let me tell you it soooo does. That statement which it screams from it's home on your sweaty neck is "I'm a pretentious jack ass"....because it takes a dick of epic proportions to wear a scarf when it's 85* outside.

And if I have to hear one more thing about your octo-lavo-vegan diet I'm going to puke my steak in your mouth. For realz. I don't care if you are a level 10 vegan Obi Wan, I don't want to hear about it for 30 minutes while I'm standing behind you on my lunch break.

Oh. And one last thing-YOUR MUSIC SUCKS ASS.

That's right, I said it. Bring it, biatch.
AnonyB.tch

Boo On You, Sir. Boo On You.

Dear Zit Face,

I know that you're 16 and you would rather be boning your girlfriend or smoking a joint right now, but if it's not to much trouble do you think you could get your baked ass to a manager to ask if you have the product I'm looking for?

"Duuude, I don't know. I totally thought we had that, but I guess we, like, don't" IS NOT CUSTOMER FUCKING SERVICE. Seriously. You are taking a job away from someone who legitimately wants to work to support their family. Please go be a waste of space somewhere else.

Enjoy your doobie,
AnonyB.tch